STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
