She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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