Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
