I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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