We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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