I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
