How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
