She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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