I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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