She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
