That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
