Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize