She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize
