he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
