I faked an abortion last night.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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