You smell like a Billy Joel song
He uses pillows to masturbate.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
