Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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