Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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