I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
