My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Im part way to drunk.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
