don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
