She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Randomize
