I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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