Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
