she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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