so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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