Umm I'm too high to move.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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