If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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