I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize