Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
