I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Randomize