Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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