Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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