I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
