He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
