Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
