you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
