I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
