that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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