Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
