I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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