Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
