Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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