The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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