Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
