I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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