He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
