you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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