I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
