I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I need moral support for this bender
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
