I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Randomize
