The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize