her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
