Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
