Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
