I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
