My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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