Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
