So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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