Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
