Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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